Christmas - You’re doing it right
‘Twas the night before Christmas, and all through the house
Not a creature was stirring, not even a mouse
Children laid in their beds knowing St. Nick was near
They were bundles of joy filled with Christmas cheer
The internet was quiet, hardly a soul searched for porn
They went to sleep early, awaiting Christmas morn
Like a large, bearded burrito, I laid wrapped in my bed
While visions of corgis danced in my head
But then on my roof, I heard a strange sound
Like a bunch of hoof-steps and then a great pound
I rose from my sleep and put on some pants
I missed one of the leg-holes and did an awkward dance
I heard a loud rustling and thought it was looters
With my bat’leth in hand I patrolled for intruders
I saw a dark figure who held a large sack
I sneaked in behind and planned my attack
I swung and I punched with all of my might
But this dastardly fiend hardly put up a fight
I jabbed with my blade, he was pinned to the wall
Then I realized he was no intruder at all
This startling discovery gave me great pause
For I had just pummeled dear old Santa Claus
I surveyed his wounds, he was out like a light
There was no way he could finish his job on this night
I couldn’t ruin Christmas for all the girls and boys
This was my fault, so I would deliver their toys.
I got to the roof and saw Santa’s sleigh
The reindeer were waiting to get underway
I hopped aboard and then grabbed the reins
I suddenly realized I had forgotten their names
Now Steve! Now Dave! Now Lenny and John!
On Pete! On Phil! On Darryl and Ron!
The sleigh did not move, and they gave me a scoff
I googled their names, I was WAY off
Now Prancer and Vixen!
On Donner and Blitzen!
The eight magic reindeer took off in a rush
I hurried them on as I shouted, “Mush! Mush!”
We flew ‘cross the moon and jingled our bells
We flew past the ocean and its midnight swells
I slipped down chimneys and delivered the toys
I ate all the cookies left by good girls and boys
Christmas was saved, and I let out a sigh
If the children had known, they surely would cry
So yes, I beat up Santa, but he is doing just fine
He’ll be back to normal in the nick of time
The elves picked him up and treated his wounds
He’s doing very well and will recover quite soon
I said a jolly, “Ho ho ho!” when I heard he was alright
And I shouted from on high…
“Merry Christmas to all, and to all a goodnight!”
The Ig Nobel Prize
Everyone needs to pause for a moment and appreciate the existence of the Ig Nobel Prize. These annual awards are organized by the scientific humour magazine Annals of Improbable Research and are basically the Nobel Prize’s bastard little brother, awarded to bizarre, imaginative and seemingly pointless scientific achievements. Fantastic achievements in science are often also fantastically absurd, and the Ig Nobel Prize honours these in a good-humoured, tongue-in-cheek way, aiming to “first make people laugh, and then make them think.” Some of my favourite awards from the last few years include:
- 2012 Neuroscience Prize: For testing out MRI on a dead salmon to show that brain researchers can see meaningful brain activity in nearly anything.
- 2012 Literature Prize: For a report issued about reports about reports that recommends the preparation of a report about the report about reports about reports.
- 2012 Medicine Prize: For advising doctors who perform colonoscopies how to minimize the chance of their patients exploding.
- 2011 Peace Prize: For demonstrating that the problem of illegally parked luxury cars can be solved by running them over with an armoured tank.
- 2010 Engineering Prize: For perfecting a method to collect whale snot using a remote-control helicopter.
- 2009 Public Health Prize: For inventing a bra that can be converted into two protective face masks in an emergency.
- 2008 Cognitive Science Prize: For discovering that slime molds can solve puzzles.
- 2007 Peace Prize: For research into a chemical weapon that would make enemy soldiers become sexually irresistible to each other.
An honestly modern parody of the holiday classic “Baby, It’s Cold Outside.”
Disney Endings Redux
Also Frollo tried to rape Esmerelda.
A pair of Wisconsin parents took a decidedly modern approach toward punishing their daughter when she misbehaved recently: They confiscated her phone and used it to take several photos of themselves doing silly faces, which they subsequently uploaded to her Facebook page.
The best, worst parents ever.
Parenting done right.
We all know the sun is licking his lips, waiting. The galaxy is the longest of socially awkward party settings. I think I could have improved on Venus, but after about 10 faces I gave up.
It’s true. If you’re into studying the impending doom of our solar system and universe (sickos), might I remind you to check out Wikipedia’s most interesting entry: The Timeline of the Far Future.
This comic is dedicated to EVERYONE who’s ever had to teach a parent how to use technology over the phone and lived to tell the tale.
The first thing I noticed about the last frame was the inaccurate trajectory of the car going off the cliff.
In other news, I hope I never become the kind of parent that can’t handle new technology to save their lives. Or in this case, their son’s.
He was sentenced to life e-prisonment.
By now you’re probably wondering what this is all about, whyFBI agents pulled you out of your barista job, threw you on a helicopter, and brought you to NASA headquarters. There’s no time, so I’ll shoot it to you straight. You’ve seen the news reports. What hit New York wasn’t some debris from an old satellite. There’s an asteroid the size of Montana heading toward Earth and if it hits us, the planet is over. But we’ve got one last-ditch plan. We need a team to land on the surface of the asteroid, drill a nuclear warhead one mile into its core, and get out before it explodes. And you’re just the liberal arts major we need to lead that team.
I. Am. Dying. You simply must read the rest.
I made this chart after reading an article that informed me that sitting more than six hours a day was effectively killing me. I immediately flipped out and started eating lunch standing up (which I still do pretty frequently). However, that only brings my daily sit time down to about 23 hours.
Anyway, learning this fact made me wonder what other things were lowering my lifespan.
Explanations and sources for each fact can be found here: http://bit.ly/IAPhpl
…and yes, you read that right…NOT drinking alcohol (in moderation) supposedly reduces lifespan.