He just un-friended me on facebook. I don’t even know.

I want to go home. I want to sleep for ten hours. I want tea. I want to watch stupid television or stupid movies or stupid something. I want to watch it rain. I want to listen to music that reminds me of better times. I want to go back to a few months ago and stay there. I want to stop crying. I want to do something silly. I want to smile and mean it. I want to stop putting on a brave face for everyone. I want to teach myself to stop missing him. I want my appetite back. I want to sit outside and write in my journal until it stops hurting. I want to be okay again.

I’ve got an exam next week and the week after that, homework due this week I haven’t done, chemistry notes to take… But I just need to stop for a minute.

I’m still reeling from yesterday- even though he’s okay I’m still scared that something might be wrong, that it wasn’t a freak accident or dehydration and something bigger that one incident is going on. I’m still worrying about him.

So I’m just sitting a little ways off from the Engineering fountain, having a coffee and trying to keep calm.

Andy collapsed in church today. I heard on facebook that he had a seizure, but later I found out he just passed out- which is a little less scary, but still. They took him to the hospital and all the tests checked out so far… I don’t know what’s going to happen, I just really hope he’s okay. 

Sad. I hate not seeing him every day.

Over analytical. He didn’t text me back yesterday what does that even mean.

Paranoid. What if he stops loving me?

Worried. All he’ll say is “It’s just hard,” and I don’t know what to do to make it easier. 

Guilty. It’s my own damn fault for having to go away.

Scared. What if this destroys us?

Lonely. I just miss him. 

I thought seeing him would make me feel better after three weeks apart, but honestly it just made me feel worse. I wanted to spend more time with him, and leaving was hard. It wasn’t the same- I don’t know. It was like there was a storm cloud hanging over us the whole time. All we could think about was me leaving again, and it was like waiting for the executioner’s axe to fall.

I was well justified in being worried about that 69.7 miles between West Lafayette and home. I knew it was going to be tough but I had no idea that it was going to be quite this bad. I feel all right most of the time, and then there’s a lump in my throat and I feel like I’m going to snap in half.

I just don’t know what to do.

Today I drove to West Lafayette with my parents and Andy to move all of my stuff into my dorm room. It didn’t take as long as I feared, so kudos to the wonderful volunteers for helping make the move as quick and painless as possible!

I’ve been around campus before. I even spent the weekend here for All-State Band. But this is totally different. My parents won’t take me home on Sunday. I’m sleeping in a strange room in a strange city and it’s going to take some getting used to. It’s just all a bit surreal, to be on your own, away from home for the very first time. 

And I have such mixed feelings….

I’m excited because oh my God I’m in college and it’s gonna be so awesome.

I’m worried about what the 69.7 miles between Fishers and West Lafayette could do to my relationship with Andy.

I’m so excited for BGR because I know a few people all ready and I’m looking forward to making some new friends…

…and at the same time nervous because meeting new people isn’t really my forte.

It’s going to be quite an adventure.